I recently attended the Penrith Agricultural Show, where I had been especially invited to put on an experts display of Line Dancing. I kicked off to Billy Ray Sirus "Achie Breaky Heart" then straight into Steps "5-6-7-8." Well fans, the crowd loved it so much that most of them couldn't bear to watch after the first 20 seconds. Anyway the celebrity opening the event that day was Hi-De-Hi's Su Pollard. I finally agreed to pose for a photo with her, after she thought I had been following her round for over 2 hours. The truth of the matter was that I had already planned my route which turned out to be exactly the same as hers. Anyway, after chatting over a candyfloss, we really hit it off with our wacky sense of humours. I was about to ask her out for a meal, but she had to do judge the cake competition, and anyway I decided afterwards that she would probably steal some of my best material and use it on Hi-De-Hi, if they ever decided to bring it back.

 Last month Little Marc went to the opening of a revamped House of Fraser at the Metro Centre. I was unable to attend due to a long standing engagement with my local Neighbourhood Watch group. Little Marc didn't want to miss the opening, as it was being done by Bedlington Beauty Jayne Middlemass, he had fancied her for ages, well since the previous Monday's "Holiday - You Call The Shots." He is quite a whizz with his Junior sewing machine, and had made her a matching scotch egg pattern hat and jumper. Eventually she agreed to put it on, as long he stopped tugging at her fashion slacks. Little Marc wouldn't say how the rest of the night went, but just muttered something about KFC, the Tuxedo Princess and The Gateshead multi-storey car park. I did notice a couple of days later a scotch egg hat discarded under his bed, and he has had "Little Miss Middlemiss" tattooed across his back.