I see they have decided to make the musical Chicago into a film. I saw the trailer for it the other day with Catherine Zeta Jones, Richard Gere and some other lass. Well I had already thought of doing a musical weeks before that, so I may well sue them. My musical is going to be called Gateshead, and will be loosely based on my zany antics.
I now know what John Hurt had to go through when he had a load of plasticine stuck on his face for Elephant Man, and when Tim Roth had to put on that monkey suit for Planet of the Apes, as it took me nearly10 minutes to do this greasy side parting for the publicity shot.
I haven't finalized what my role will be, but I will definately write it, star in it, direct it, produce it (whatever the hell that means), make up all the music for it, although I may get Bonnie Langford to do the choreography - for those of you who don't know, that means dancing around - which will give me some free time to be the hilarious on the set comedy prankster. I bet you are already wetting yourself thinking about some of the nuts gags I will be getting up to, including wandering around wearing my "I'm with this idiot" sweatshirt.

Listen here fans, get your order in now for the award winning soundtrack, as well having loads of great songs written by me, the DVD will have bonus tracks including I Eat Cannibals by Toto Coelo and the theme tune from Are You Being Served?
As well as being an award winning musical film, Gateshead will also have a record breaking stage run. Lots of guest stars will be queueing up to be in it - Little Marc has already been in discussions with Lionel Blair. Other stars rumoured to be falling over each other to get a small part include - Micheal Ball, Elaine Page, Snoop Doggy Dog and Roland who used to be on Grange Hill.
Obviously, for security reasons, it will be hard to shoot some of the scenes on location (I've already had to go shopping in Gateshead Indoor Market in disguise, in case I get a celebrity stalker), but don't worry about set building, a very close neighbour of mine has just started beginners woodwork classes, and I've been out and bought 3 tubes of No More Nails.