Joan Collins is the most glamorous woman in films and on the telly. I may well end up marrying her. I'm not sure how I'll meet her, but she was in a pop video last year, so if I get in the hit parade, she could be in the video. I may enter the tv program Pop Idols, where the same crap karaoke singers murder pop songs, week after week after week. Anyway, I love karaoke, you should hear my hilarious send up of I'm Too Sexy, by Right Said Fred, you really would be wetting yourself.

I have enclosed pictures of the proposal and wedding. As you can see we have had some right fancy wedding clothes designed for us by her daughter, who is one of the top designers in the country. She probably works for Burtons or Grattans Catalogue. The wedding reception will be somewhere posh like the Chinese on Gateshead High Street, where we'll eat the classic Cantonese dish of sausage, chips, peas and onion gravy (curry sauce for those with more exotic tastes). I bet your already wondering which showbiz celebs will be invited, to put you in the picture I'll probably lead off the conga followed by Julia Roberts, John Travolta, Madonna, Brad Pitt, Cher, Jack Nicholson, Liza Minelli and Godfrey off Dads Army.